How can they be so heartless????

Dear Mr.Mathews,

Jesus God-it's so hard not to get mad at the world! The film we were planning to shoot has gone kaput. I'm the only one who's interested in it, for Christ's sake! And Allie. She's supposed to be the co-director, right? She's supposed to be doing it with me? The only F***ing day she can come is Thursday, and she what, expects me to complete all her scenes in one day of shooting? And Sunny? She's supposed to be playing Rainne? One of the goddamn main characters? She can't make it on Thursday, because her FRIENDS ARE COMING OVER!! You'd think at fourteen, they'd have their priorities right. But you know who bugs me the most? Allie. After all I've done, I swear. Hell, she wouldn't even be writing that BOOK REVIEW for school if it weren't for my inane consideration. Tina is unavailable for the rest of the week. Shit. Do you have any idea how much rescheduling I'm going to have to do? It'll kill me. And i'll need the camcorder from my Aunt After the vacation as well, and...or...or I could just...yeah! Why don't I just postpone it? To some other vacation? When we can do it less stress fully? Have it all prepared and all? Yeah! There. I feel lighter already.
Let me tell the others...


.....Told Allie. Her reaction was "I love you.". She hadn't wanted to do it at all. F**k her. It was her idea, you know? The film? F**k her.I keep my cool all day. And then, these guys make me blow it. F**k, f**k, f**k.
Still. I feel better now, that we're all clean. Anyway, Laverne's coming over tomorrow. Two full days of fun. Great. Unless, of course, Laverne wants to go all movie-psycho on me. Which she usually does, when she's at our place. Still, I can now start writing the black Rose story. Got a pretty good plot. Going to write it down. Was actually thinking I'd start it later, because I was busy, what with the film and all. Now that's gone, I'm free.
Read lots of poetry today. With Grandmom. I love poetry. We read "Porphyria' Lover"....and a hell of a lot more. Right down to "Anansi and the mind of God.". I just realised that I have that poem memorised. A three page poem memorised. Wow. I must really love it. You probably wouldn't approve of it, it's about a man who outwits God. But don't worry, it's all in a very friendly sense...no serious disrespect.
Dad dug out "1599" today. The Shakespeare book. Mom and I go crazy looking for it, and then he digs it out from under our noses. But you tell me, if you saw a book called "1599". would you guess that it was about Shakespeare? It's about a few inches thick. No idea how I'm going to read it AND write a project on it. I thought it would be slimmer. Much slimmer.
Finished "Prayers for Rain' at last. Pretty nice, like I said. would like to read another Kenzie and Gennaro novel soon.
Watched "Mr.Deeds" again. Every time I watch it, I feel I'm watching it for the first time. Realised that I like Peter Gallagher more than Adam Sandlers. Hah. Weird me.
Tuition early morning tomorrow. Don't want to go. Shit.
Yours,
Janhabi

Praying for rain....

Dear Mr.Mathews,

I never thought I'd use Sally's words to describe a book, but about "Prayers For Rain"? I have to say it- boy, did I underestimate that book! Okay, so maybe the suspense isn't hardcore. Maybe it wasn't meant to be! The other stuff in the book are just amazing. Denis Lehane...the author...he kind of, doesn't take the easy way out when it comes to anything! He brings out these really awesome side to the characters...you know? I mean...there's this detective and his partner. They broke up, but later come together for a case again. Now, Lehane wants to show you how great these two detectives' co ordination is. Another guy, would maybe just have said: The two of them were great together. But not Lehane. he wrote out an entire sequence to show us hoe great these two were! I loved that. Then...he was talking about this guy and this girl that these two detectives are observing, and they're suspecting a hook up between them. Now, he doesn't say it out loud, not once...he just gives you these...signs..and you keep thinking, right from the beginning of the scene, Is something happening? Is something happening? Is it? And then, at the end of it, you're like, HELL, YEAH, SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING!! That was pretty awesome...
Today in the morning I was a bit down, 'cause Dad said he's stay home and work today..then the power went..and Dad said, that he'd go to office if it stayed gone too long...and you know what I did? I switched off the lights and the fans, so that if the power did come back, Dad wouldn't know! He did go to office, and I was happy...this relationship is so crazy, it worries me sometimes...
I think today I slipped up a little on the no-sin thing.Got mad a few times, was rude once or twice...not as much as usual, but I've got to keep that from happening.
Went over to Allie's house today. Yes, Allie too is a name I've given somebody. So I had to go over and give her the "Kite Runner". I help her too much. I even came up with an idea for her cover. I don't think she appreciates all that I do for her. She doesn't even care for me. And logically, why should she? She has her Sally and Luce, and everybody. And I haven't exactly made her school life heaven, with the big Peeves screw up. Just because my friends don't satisfy my intellect, doesn't mean her's don't either. She's sitting beside sally in class. can't help but feel a little insecure. Okay, a LOT insecure. Damn, can't my life cut me some slack? You're right, Mr.Lehane, it's like praying for rain in the middle of a desert. Give me friends who will really love me, Lord, I'm praying, I'm praying for rain...
Yours,
Janhabi

Of walking and reading...

Dear Mr.Mathews,
I'm still unsure about what kind of day today has been. Not in the bad day-good day sense. In the satisfying-unsatisfying sense. I know it has't been a particularly productive day. All I've managed to do was around half of my history project. Yet, I'm not exactly unsatisfied. I've done some other stuff. Gone to the market with Dad. Talked a bit to Grandad. Had a singing class. Went for a walk with Dad. Not too bad. Of course, that's not to say that I'm going to keep spending time this way. This weekend hasn't been too great work wise. I swear to God, myself and you that I'll start working tomorrow onwards.
Singing class was okay...I hadn't practiced...kept getting stuck. As usual, Ma'am didn't yell at me. This week I will practice. I swear.A few times, i got a bit angry with Ma'am. She couldn't exactly read my mind, could she? but I still got mad. I tried to suppress it. Reminded myself of all the times I hadn't practiced and she never scolded me. Kind of worked. These bouts of anger usually last about a minute each. Today they were about a few seconds. Looking forward to the day I won't have them at all.
Grandad had lunch with us today, because it's a Sunday. I felt a strong urge to establish some sort of a bond with him. Not the first time I've felt this. But it's impossible. He's maybe scared of creating a bond with me. Because I get mad so often. Then again, he doesn't have a bond with anyone. Not even his sons.
Walk with Dad was good.Great, actually. Told him the plot of our film. He said it was morbid, sadistic, things he didn't like...said he supposed everyone had to grow through these phases. But apart from that, he said it was 'a damn good plot'. Pointed out a few flaws, which I will keep in mind for my next crime fiction work. Dad seems to like a lot of my work nowadays...have to get him to like my schoolwork too.
Dad said maybe I was distracted now. Because I couldn't do a few Physics sums(Okay, they were pretty easy sums, but...!). Mom and he think it's because of my seven projects and the film. I know better. Okay. so maybe I am a bit obsessed with you. So what? I'm a kid! And this 'obsession' is having having far more good outcomes than bad.
Grandmom was the first to notice my 'change' today. no one had noticed before her. Felt great. i lied a bit...told her that it was all happening subconsciously. She didn't believe me. It was good, in a way. Hope more people notice. Not that I'm doing it to get noticed, but it's nice to get noticed all the same.
"Prayers For Rain"....pretty bad name....till now, at least. The book is nice. Slow, but nice. Unreal, though. Still trying to figure out the characters. The book doesn't exactly make you die of suspense for the next bit...it's more of a passive read. That was one good thing about "Crisis". Whatever the writing, however flimsy the plot, and however much of a fly-by-night-operator Robin Cook seemed, the suspense killed you. Which is why the end was even more disappointing, I guess. "Kite Runner" sucked. Typical sob story, morals, meaning, blah blah blah. Personally, I thought not one character in the book deserved respect. Except maybe Soraya. And she's not even an important character. Plot was pathetic,not even believable...twists were predictable...book was trash. Don't understand what appealed to Allie. Or the rest of the world.
Luce is doing the "White Tiger". Dad says very few books can be that bad. I believe him. what is the world coming to?
Sally doing "Illusions". Is that a relief? Hell, yeah! Finally a worthwhile book! Dad hated Richard Bach. For once, I disagree with him. All Bachs are geniuses...Johann Sebastian Bach...Richard Bach...err...I don't know anymore Bachs...:)
I love the fact that both you and I have the initials JM.
Thanks for listening,
Yours,
Janhabi

Then and now.

Dear Mr.Mathews,

You are my idol. it may sound weird, but it's true. You are my idol-because you are an amazing speaker, so powerful, and so passionately involved in what you are saying. you are also my idol because you won my heart-not by making me fall in love with you, but by making me believe in God, and few people know how difficult it is to win MY heart. But mainly, you are my idol because you saved me from becoming exactly what I did not want to be.

A few years ago,say. four years, I was someone totally different from what I am now.timid, shy, introverted, unpopular, unconfident, but at least I was honest.Then I met this super-popular, super-intelligent girl, realised I was a good deal like her(and I'm not boasting here, I'm ashamed of it!). Did not realise that there were also major differences, she covered those up rather well.After that, I changed. In public, I like to blame her for it, but i know I was a good deal responsible for it too. I had WANTED to become like her, Wanted her good parts, and on the way, picked up her bad parts as well. Gone was the timidity. i was now bold. Popular. Confident. Lashed out at anyone who didn't meet with my approval. All those changes, I was glad about. Then-I lost my honesty. Soon to follow were my directness, and honour. My self respect. this girl...she backstabbed me. We fell out. I hated her for a while about that. Then I got my own revenge. Felt great,until the end. Then it was horrible. But that only made me more anxious. The fact that my first attempt hadn't given me satisfaction only made me long for a second. Yet, I always pretended that I was the one in the right. Held what she had done to me three years ago, against what I kept doing to her the following years.I created an image for myself. The one who didn't care about anything. The extrovert. The confident one. I became what I had always accused her of being. A people's pleaser. An attention seeker. A hypocrite. I knew that, but only I did. Not even she...could guess what was going through my mind when. I knew her. Much better than she knew me. Earlier, I had been fiercely honest. Never told a lie. Now I started. Started with white lies, and moved on to worse.I was talking about people behind their backs, sweet talking teachers, mocking those I was jealous of, creating differences among my friends to kick an unwanted person out of my gang, I was, in the true sense of the word, a bitch. One day, before my chemistry exam, i thought I had too much to study. I used chits. It was addictive. I became a regular cheater. I hated myself, and put on this image which other people seemed to love. Hid behind it. Got so good at acting, I wasn't even scared of someone seeing through me. No one could...I was too good at it. And no one ever did.
That was three years of my life. Then you came along. That one speech, changed me. The minute you started, I was hooked. i loved every minute of it, and I didn't want it to end. Let me tell you something: I called my self an atheist befor that. I was not. An atheist does not believe in God. I hated God. i told people my philosophy was 'God probably doesn't exist,and if he does, he sucks.' My philosophy actually was 'God sucks'.
I believed that...passionately...i cursed God everyday, hated him. So did the other girl...let's call her Sally. Sally and I still talked. Still sprang up a tremendous rappo. We were companions in God hatred. And then...you made me believe in God. When I told her, she just smiled. Mentally, she probably howled her head off. I left her alone in this. I feel bad about this, but I can't help it. Yet, believing in God was
only the first change you brought about in me. I remember thinking, while I came out of chapel that day;I would TRY not to sin. I don't bitch about people. I'm not cheating. I'm trying to lose the temper. I've stopped being mad at all the people I was mad at, also Sally. I hope they will also someday stop being mad at me. I feel cleaner inside. I will try my best to keep this up.
Thank you, Mr.Mathews. Thank you for being my idol.
Yours,
Janhabi