Dear Mr.Mathews,
You are my idol. it may sound weird, but it's true. You are my idol-because you are an amazing speaker, so powerful, and so passionately involved in what you are saying. you are also my idol because you won my heart-not by making me fall in love with you, but by making me believe in God, and few people know how difficult it is to win MY heart. But mainly, you are my idol because you saved me from becoming exactly what I did not want to be.
A few years ago,say. four years, I was someone totally different from what I am now.timid, shy, introverted, unpopular, unconfident, but at least I was honest.Then I met this super-popular, super-intelligent girl, realised I was a good deal like her(and I'm not boasting here, I'm ashamed of it!). Did not realise that there were also major differences, she covered those up rather well.After that, I changed. In public, I like to blame her for it, but i know I was a good deal responsible for it too. I had WANTED to become like her, Wanted her good parts, and on the way, picked up her bad parts as well. Gone was the timidity. i was now bold. Popular. Confident. Lashed out at anyone who didn't meet with my approval. All those changes, I was glad about. Then-I lost my honesty. Soon to follow were my directness, and honour. My self respect. this girl...she backstabbed me. We fell out. I hated her for a while about that. Then I got my own revenge. Felt great,until the end. Then it was horrible. But that only made me more anxious. The fact that my first attempt hadn't given me satisfaction only made me long for a second. Yet, I always pretended that I was the one in the right. Held what she had done to me three years ago, against what I kept doing to her the following years.I created an image for myself. The one who didn't care about anything. The extrovert. The confident one. I became what I had always accused her of being. A people's pleaser. An attention seeker. A hypocrite. I knew that, but only I did. Not even she...could guess what was going through my mind when. I knew her. Much better than she knew me. Earlier, I had been fiercely honest. Never told a lie. Now I started. Started with white lies, and moved on to worse.I was talking about people behind their backs, sweet talking teachers, mocking those I was jealous of, creating differences among my friends to kick an unwanted person out of my gang, I was, in the true sense of the word, a bitch. One day, before my chemistry exam, i thought I had too much to study. I used chits. It was addictive. I became a regular cheater. I hated myself, and put on this image which other people seemed to love. Hid behind it. Got so good at acting, I wasn't even scared of someone seeing through me. No one could...I was too good at it. And no one ever did.
That was three years of my life. Then you came along. That one speech, changed me. The minute you started, I was hooked. i loved every minute of it, and I didn't want it to end. Let me tell you something: I called my self an atheist befor that. I was not. An atheist does not believe in God. I hated God. i told people my philosophy was 'God probably doesn't exist,and if he does, he sucks.' My philosophy actually was 'God sucks'.
I believed that...passionately...i cursed God everyday, hated him. So did the other girl...let's call her Sally. Sally and I still talked. Still sprang up a tremendous rappo. We were companions in God hatred. And then...you made me believe in God. When I told her, she just smiled. Mentally, she probably howled her head off. I left her alone in this. I feel bad about this, but I can't help it. Yet, believing in God was
only the first change you brought about in me. I remember thinking, while I came out of chapel that day;I would TRY not to sin. I don't bitch about people. I'm not cheating. I'm trying to lose the temper. I've stopped being mad at all the people I was mad at, also Sally. I hope they will also someday stop being mad at me. I feel cleaner inside. I will try my best to keep this up.
Thank you, Mr.Mathews. Thank you for being my idol.
Yours,
Janhabi
That was three years of my life. Then you came along. That one speech, changed me. The minute you started, I was hooked. i loved every minute of it, and I didn't want it to end. Let me tell you something: I called my self an atheist befor that. I was not. An atheist does not believe in God. I hated God. i told people my philosophy was 'God probably doesn't exist,and if he does, he sucks.' My philosophy actually was 'God sucks'.
I believed that...passionately...i cursed God everyday, hated him. So did the other girl...let's call her Sally. Sally and I still talked. Still sprang up a tremendous rappo. We were companions in God hatred. And then...you made me believe in God. When I told her, she just smiled. Mentally, she probably howled her head off. I left her alone in this. I feel bad about this, but I can't help it. Yet, believing in God was
only the first change you brought about in me. I remember thinking, while I came out of chapel that day;I would TRY not to sin. I don't bitch about people. I'm not cheating. I'm trying to lose the temper. I've stopped being mad at all the people I was mad at, also Sally. I hope they will also someday stop being mad at me. I feel cleaner inside. I will try my best to keep this up.
Thank you, Mr.Mathews. Thank you for being my idol.
Yours,
Janhabi
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